


Day 7: Free Day

by ShahHira



Series: Kaigami Week 2020! [6]
Category: JUDGE EYES: 死神の遺言 | Judgment, 龍が如く | Ryuu ga Gotoku | Yakuza (Video Games)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, F/F, Gen, Humor, M/M, Minor Spoilers, do your laundry kids, judgment but yagami wears the sexy pepsi shirt the whole time, petty bitch kuroiwa, saori gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24017071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShahHira/pseuds/ShahHira
Summary: A shitpost in the rarepair discord from months ago resurfaced in my head yesterday and I just could NOT pass up the opportunity. Interestingly this is my first actual crack fic. I've only written humor before but not full-on off the walls nonsense like this. I had other ideas for day 7 of kaigami week (that might come to fruition later winkwink). So, here are the many ways a very distracting shirt forever changed the events of Judgment.For immersion, please viewthisand alsothis
Relationships: Kaito Masaharu/Yagami Takayuki
Series: Kaigami Week 2020! [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721029
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Day 7: Free Day

**Author's Note:**

> A shitpost in the rarepair discord from months ago resurfaced in my head yesterday and I just could NOT pass up the opportunity. Interestingly this is my first actual crack fic. I've only written humor before but not full-on off the walls nonsense like this. I had other ideas for day 7 of kaigami week (that might come to fruition later winkwink). So, here are the many ways a very distracting shirt forever changed the events of Judgment.
> 
> For immersion, please view [ this ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/fed45460577a859d1157968a5fbd5ddd/tumblr_inline_ppnwdyLf601qdi0df_1280.jpg) and also [ this ](https://twitter.com/cloudyatm/status/1213521579302412288?s=20)

Yagami is in a rush. He has to look presentable for a client that texted saying they’ll be over in less than five minutes. He can’t quite say no to a potential client, nor can he postpone it for fear of losing said client - so here he is. What a perfect time to run out of all his clean white t-shirts…

Ah, he’s found a straggler! Buried deep within the drawer is a balled-up mess, doubtless wrinkled seven ways to hell. It’s cheap synthetic cotton, it’ll be fine as long as he shakes it out hard enough.

The spring wind gusts and snakes through some hidden crack in the office to tickle coldly at Yagami’s bare torso. Quickly he puts it on, and has his leather jacket hanging off his shoulders like a badass just in time for the knock on his door. Hell yeah, perfect timing as usual, Yaga-bro.

All his hard work is for naught when he opens the door to see Kaito of all people. “Hey, Ta-bo,” he says. His gaze drifts downwards.

“Kaito-san? Uh, where’s the client?”

He doesn’t answer. His eyes are glued to his chest. “Kaito-san,” Yagami says more forcefully, “My eyes are up here.”

“Pft… bahahahahahaha!”

He breaks like an overflowing dam. There are legit tears streaming down his face. Behind the guffaws for some reason he looks… smug?

“I knew it!” He whoops. “I knew it, I knew I could get you to wear it! Hot damn, I was right!”

It is then that Yagami deigns to follow his partner’s gaze - and is regrettably witness to a most unwelcome sight.

“The Sexy Pepsi shirt,” he groans aloud.

Kaito had gotten it for him as a gag gift. Yagami, in his feeble hubris, had pledged an oath more solemn than his lawyer’s code right then and there to never wear it for as long as he lived. It would stay in his possession, and no, he wouldn’t burn it behind his back - much as he itched to.

That had been a year ago. Just his luck for Kaito to remember some inane challenge than, I don’t know, the preliminary tourneys for his future drone racing career that he oh-so-innocently forgot to attend? Oh yes. Yagami is still salty about that. Happy hour at Tender is not an excuse.

“HAH. I won, Ta-bo! I freaking won!”

“Yes, yes. You win this time, Kaito-san.” At least his delighted expression lessens the blow to his dignity some.

“I need a picture of this right now.”

Yagami zips up his leather jacket to his neck.

______

“Ta-bo. Playtime’s just about over. C’mon, Ayabe’s waiting.”

Yagami turns away from the blackjack table to meet with their new informant: the corrupt cop Ayabe. He and Kaito take their seats beside him, who’s sipping at a drink.

“Good seeing you, Kaito-san. And…” he turns slowly. “I take it you’re Yagami-san--  _ hurk _ .”

Yagami raises an eyebrow at the noise. “Had too much to drink already?”

Ayabe’s beady eyes - eugh, this guy needs a skincare routine - are fixated at his chest. One time is just chance, but the second…?

“That’s, uh… interesting shirt you got there. Very bold choice for a clandestine meetup.”

“What, can’t handle the Sexy Pepsi?” Oh, Yagami’s embarrassed he’s thrown this on yet again, but hell if he’s not gonna embrace it.

“I’m trying to keep attention off of us, not drag us into the spotlight.”

“Oh, like _ I _ stand out in an illegal gambling den where the waitresses are dressed up as bunny girls.”

Ayabe’s getting a little too worked up, if you ask Yagami. “In any case, I pulled together the reports on all your Mole’s cases so far. Since you pissed off Kuroiwa I’m gonna do you a solid. This info’s on the house.” He hands him the files. Stares him down. “But if word of this leaks out…”

“Yeah. I hear you loud and clear. So, tell me more about this Kuroiwa guy. Why do you hate him so much?”

“He’s the hero of the Kamuro police station. Strong, popular, always on the fast-track for promotion. Guy’s too perfect. Not to mention a handsome devil.”

“Man, envy’s an ugly thing,” Kaito speaks up. “Especially comin’ from a dirty cop.”

“Take a look for yourself, Kaito.” He pulls up a picture of Kuroiwa on his phone. “See?”

He hums. “Pretty boy, I’ll give him that. But not as handsome as that sexy beast over there.”

He points to Yagami with something akin to a leer curling his lips. Ayabe makes that hurk noise again.

“Yagami-san, I like you. You’re a good guy. But I refuse to do business with you if you don’t take that shirt off right now.”

“Why is it my fault?! Kaito-san’s the one making stupid comments!”

“Kaito-san always makes stupid comments. That shirt, however, we can fix. Also for every second I have to see that shirt my rate goes up a thousand yen. And that’s getting carried over on your tab with me.”

Yagami has never scrambled out of a t-shirt faster in his life. Maybe the leather BDSM style isn’t such a bad look.

“Could’ve just turned it inside out,” mumbles the bartender.

______

Yagami gets up from his dinner of heavenly mushrooms and steak and groans at the newcomer at his door. Ugh, it’s him again. Kuroiwa looks on with narrowed eyes as he makes a show of languidly stretching in front of the glass partition. After a solid minute Yagami opens the door.

“Hello, Kuroiwa,” he says sweetly. The bastard cop walks in like he owns the place, hands primly clasped behind his back. “Gonna jump to murder accusations before even saying hello like you did last time? I’ll give you a useful tip: that dead bird outside was likely killed by a cat. Crazy, right? Who’d believe that?”

Kuroiwa eyes his record player, dragging a finger across the surface. “Dusty. Such a tenuous livelihood and you can’t even be bothered to do simple upkeep.”

“I dunno if you use these things called eyes, esteemed officer, but you must’ve noticed the tabby cat that jumped down and showed herself out from where you claim is ‘dusty.’”

“So you rely on street critters to keep your office clean? Hmph, how barbaric.”

“Are you here to insult my interior decorating or are you here for something important? Your snobbish stink will scare off my clients.”

The sniping halts for a moment. Kuroiwa’s gaze flicks downwards. The nastiness wrinkling his perfect nose makes it as though he’s sneering down at Yagami.

“Just a warning for you not to stick your nose in police business. You are testing the limits of my patience. We are busy looking for the Mole and you are not helping matters with your interfering. Also...”

“Also,” Yagami deadpans, yawning. He’s heard all this before.

“I need that shirt.”

“What.”

“The Sexy Pepsi shirt,” and Yagami cannot believe he heard those words seriously come out of Kuroiwa’s mouth, “I need it.”

A solid minute passes. He doesn’t elaborate. “W… why?”

“None of your business. Now,” he holds a hand out at arm’s length, “give it to me.”

“I’m not gonna strip just ‘cause you said so!”

The hand drops. There’s no playfulness in his cold, icy stare. “You think you’re so charismatic, don’t you.”

He walks deeper inside the office, face set in stone but eyes burning with rage. “I’ve seen the attention it garners you. Such idiots, the masses that flock to your confidence. You think you’re invulnerable, like a brave buffoon. Mark my words, I will divest you of your sexy  _ and  _ your Pepsi.”

He reaches down to snag the rest of the steak Yagami was eating, swallowing it whole. Then he opens the freezer, takes out the ice cream he’s been looking forward to all week and licks the top layer, all while locking eyes with Yagami. 

“Next time your warning will not be so nice.” 

...

...

……..

He is  _ such  _ a shitty bitch.

______

Saori would detest being dragged around Kamurocho like she was a human doll, but the way her dress elegantly sweeps her legs and hair gliding around her shoulders like a wedding veil makes her claim of becoming the number one hostess seem like an easy reality to achieve. Damn, she looks good. Yagami comes out of his office just as Saori finishes up admiring herself in the building’s glass window.

“All changed, Yagami-san?” Her nose isn’t wrinkling anymore. The sweat he’s gathered from fighting off god knows how many thugs on the street has finally disappeared in place of a fresh white t-shirt. It’s got some red logo on it.

“Yeah. Now, let’s get to Queen Rouge for your undercover assignment.”

If heads turn as they walk the short distance to the club Saori assumes it’s because of her impeccable makeup and refined bearing… so why do they seem to ogle Yagami and his modest streetwear?

It must be her imagination, or the perfume swirling her senses as they descend the stairs into Queen Rouge. The manager’s waiting for them down the corridor. Saori takes the lead, each step fueling her confidence as the manager’s face gradually transforms into overwhelming awe. She dips her head regally, ready to introduce herself... 

“You’re hired, you’re so hired!”

Well, that was easy. She doesn’t even have to say a word. No time to mentally prepare for gawking men but this is a secret mission--

The manager scurries past her and wildly shakes Yagami’s hand.

“What,” says Saori, as Yagami takes a second to recenter himself from the enthusiastic thrashing he’s received. 

“Me?” asks Yagami incredulously. The manager nods. “ _ Me? _ ” he asks once more for good measure. “B-but why??”

The manager can’t stop smiling. “Isn’t it obvious? You’re perfect! I’m lovin’ that cool-but-I’m-not-trying-too-bad-to-be-cool vibe.”

Just this morning he was apathetic when Kaito and Yagami approached his club to ask about details of Hashiki’s murder. Scratch that, he was downright rude until Kaito showed him a picture of Saori. That’s why he got her all dressed up!

And now he wants Yagami to be a part of his club? “I-I’ve never really entertained anyone before…” But an in’s an in, and he’s not gonna jinx that.

“Not a problem! With a shirt like that, who needs experience?”

Oh.

My.

God.

The fucking  _ shirt _ .

“Are you kidding me,” Yagami chokes out, while Saori deadpans, “what,” sounding actually, legitimately, dead.

“Of course! The shirt is a real knock out of the park. I mean, ‘Sexy Pepsi’? Who can resist that?”

He doesn’t even pause for breath; dragging him deep into the club by the wrist, Yagami throws Saori a desperate plea of help, dread slowly overtaking his eyes like a drowning man whose only escape is getting eaten by sharks. She hears the patrons in the club roar above each other:

“Serve me some of what  _ that  _ guy’s flauntin’ because he is smoking hot!”

“Ayyy sexy, where’s Pepsi~?”

“I like Coke better but he’s hot.”

“I want that delicious man at my table  _ right now _ I will pay triple!”

“SEXY PEPSI MAN, TAKE ME BY THE HAND LEAD ME TO THE LAND--”

Saori’s heard enough. Climbing out of the club, she calls up Mafuyu. A night on the town with her dashing new looks is in order after that scare Yagami has given her. Her, trying to seduce men? It was never going to work anyway.

“Mafuyu, I need to get the hetero off me. Requesting backup.”

______

“Ta-bo, get outta there already.”

“No.”

“You’ve been cooped up in the office ever since we won the case. This ain’t healthy, man, you need to stretch your legs, pick up some jobs.”

“No.”

“At least open the door so I can come in.”

Silence. Then, “no.”

Kaito heaves a sigh. “Is this because of the Sexy Pepsi shirt?”

A little bit louder, more energetic: “I’m burning the shirt, Kaito-san. I swear to god, I will burn this goddamn shirt. I’m sorry, but I’ve stuck it out long enough.”

“You’ll burn the building down, Ta-bo. Your nice landlady won’t be happy and you won’t have a place to live.”

A pause to reflect on his bleak future. Then: “So be it.”

“I have your laundry!”

The last resort. Kaito sighs in relief when he hears the door click open. Yagami stares with wide eyes through the crack in the door.

“M… my laundry?” It’s like he’s reunited with a long-lost lover. “It’s all cleaned?”

“Yes, Ta-bo. It’s clean. All of it. I was sick and tired of waiting for you to grow up and take care of your piled-up laundry. How do you even survive three months without doing laundry, for chrissakes…”

Like a goblin offering his precious treasures Yagami slowly opens up his office. “It’s not folded but we can do that together.” Kaito makes his way in with the bags of clean laundry. Plural. What the hell does this guy wear besides jeans? “I sure as shit am not doin’ all the hard work here.”

He drops the bags - then startles as skinny arms circle him from behind. He feels a head dig into the space between his shoulder blades.

“Thank youuuuu Kaito-san.” His eyes are glistening with wonder. “I love you.”

Momentarily lost for words, Kaito only shakes his head. “You human disaster. The things I do for you… Let’s get started so we can get you integrated back into normal society.”

Yagami jumps up, a new pep to his step. He goes to the fridge. “Sure. Want anything before we get underway?”

“Just a Pepsi.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Kidding. Water’s fine. Got a workout carrying your laundry. ‘Sides…”

He yanks Yagami down into his lap, grinning at the yelp he gives and plants a kiss to the center of his chest.

“You’re the only sexy one for me.”


End file.
